When I found out about my diabetes last June. I never in a million years thought that my whole life would have to go through change. Yes , I knew eating habits would change even weight due to meds would, but never did I think it would become a life of change. With me, I know not everyone has this, but a lot do. My liver is struggling, my kidneys are over working and life has changed! At work I have never been the type of person that was resistant to change, that RC factor was around all the time and I always felt like I held on and went with it. Boy OH Boy ! I feel like I have aged 20 yrs in the past year.
I started walking, I really loved it, now I fight to walk, my neuropathy kills my feet and fingers and the walking has become painful. I just want to cry, because I loved it so. My daughter and I were walking every night. My husband was walking with me, I felt like the wind was pushing me forward, now I feel like it’s throwing me back, making me bow my head to it every mile I get.
Yesterday I had a liver biopsy, yes they are looking for cancer, it’s sad but I will be happy if it comes back cirrhosis of the liver, how sad is that ? To wish something bad over something bad. This has become me………..? I always told myself that I would never let this get me, but I did. I let it take control, take my dreams and even at a point I think I let it take my soul. I think I even blamed God, hubby and anyone else that came to mind. The only person I didn’t blame was me! I’m the one who hadn’t taken care of myself. I’m the one who loved the fried chicken and licked those fingers to the bone. I’m the one who after my brain tumor was told to take care of yourself and decided I knew it all and could get over anything just bring it on, I’m the one who people said Sherry I don’t think I could take it as well as you, I don’t think I could handle this as well as you are. Well, I ain’t !!!! I’m worried, I’m sad and at times wish I could just blow away with that wind. but then I look at these.
I’m not adding sunny shine yet, I really just wanted to cry!!!!!!! and I did………. a lot…..not the Oh poor poor me kind, but the… where the hell is the girl from last year, where did I leave that person behind……I can’t answer it, I don’t know. I think she is gone. I really think all this has changed me to the point that the woman from last year has left the building….. Now how do I handle this new shell, I don’t feel as strong, I don’t feel like I can take the bull by the horns anymore, I have become someone I don’t want to be! A year has changed me so much that I don’t know me. I found out that I can’t handle this alone, I can’t be strong all the time, sometimes I just need a hug to move me over the rough spots. That was this week rough. Now I will pick myself up who ever she is and move forward. I won’t give up and pray to the Lord to help me because I can’t do it alone. Thanks for reading this and sorry it was so long.